On Life, Love, and Loss

I can’t think, I can’t breathe, I can’t talk – so I write.

For the past three months I have been prepping myself for this Saturday, the three year anniversary of my sisters suicide. I had a plan. Details don’t matter, it’s all irrelevant now. Fact of the matter is, I had a plan on how I was going to get through this anniversary and FINALLY have a good birthday, something I haven’t had since she died.

That’s all gone to shit, the world is on fire.

We are all living in unprecedented times right now. A world pandemic. I lost a friend today, a good friend. She had been fighting an illness her whole life and something as simple as a handshake may have been what killed her. She was young too. Much younger than me.

She fought. She fought her whole life and she overcame again and again and lived her best life only to be taken out by something that came from eating a bat? Is that what they’re saying now? Bat soup is killing off our entire population? We can’t leave our houses, we can’t hug our friends, we can’t open a package from Amazon without wondering if we are going to DIE from opening it. WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?

Elise was quite the lady. She loved freely, lived fearlessly, and was always aware and supportive of my life. We met nine years ago when we both worked at Fox & Hound and of course stayed in touch on Facebook but she was ALWAYS there when I needed her. She checked in on me when Sandy died, she helped me through a crisis a few years back, and last year when I was afraid for my own life because of a failed port she Facetimed me and talked me down from a massive panic attack because she was no stranger to blood clots and ports.

And something as simple as a handshake took her out.

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW?

Yes. I had to ask twice because what the actual fuck?

When are we going to be free? We are all living in the prisons of our homes. I’m lucky I already homeschooled or else I would be shitting my pants. I’m lucky my husband can work from home and we have more quality time. I’m lucky to HAVE a family I can be with all day who love and support me when some of my friends have to sit in solitude wondering when they will be able to see someone they love again. I wonder if we are going to see an increase in suicides from this, homicides from domestic abuse, overdoses from people going out of their minds looking for an escape. I wonder if there is an end in sight.

I don’t know what to tell my children. They know but they don’t, you know? Like I said, they already homeschool so they don’t have a huge disruption in their life. They stay off the news, don’t have social media, they don’t really know. They want a certain food and I can’t give it to them and they can’t seem to wrap their heads around why and I honestly can’t either.

I miss life. Not just my life because my life really isn’t that bad. Like I said, I love my family. We aren’t getting on each other’s nerves at all. Eighteen years with a person you figure out pretty early on if they’re going to get on your nerves. Thank God for online gaming, that keeps the kids at bay. I just miss life.

I HAVE NEVER WATCHED SO MANY MOVIES BEFORE.

I have an illness I have been fighting for eleven years. I get plasma every ten days. Now I can’t WAIT for plasma day. I want as much of a boost as I can get. I don’t know if I’ll get sick but I have a plan in place if I do. I’m cautious, I’m vigilant, but I’m also realistic.

PAUSE-

I am going to straight up bitch for one second because this is my blog and I do what I want –

How do I make it through an entire winter of three pairs of pants, heated socks and shirt, and a ski jacket only to NOT have a summer after doing yoga for two months, losing ten pounds, getting a body that a fitness trainer would have that NEEDS to be in tiny dresses and short-shorts only to have absolutely nowhere to go and no one to show it off to? Petty in the grand scheme of things but we are all allowed to grieve the losses we have coming.

I have friends I worry about. All my friends are in the service industry. What if unemployment doesn’t come through? How much will they really be getting? What happens after July if they’re not back at work? I may be fine financially but I worry for them, I love them. Of course I do.

I don’t know. I really don’t even know why you’re reading this. I know I’m writing it because even though I talk a lot I’m terrible at speaking, I write. Words come through my fingers, it’s the only way I can communicate. I can’t offer platitudes or give hope right now because to me the future is bleak, at least for the next few weeks as I grieve the loss of my friend, the loss of my best friends’ father, re-live the loss of my sister, and miss ANOTHER birthday, something I was fighting SO HARD to reclaim.

I want to thank my husband for being him. That’s all. Just for being him. I would be going crazy without him. I want to thank Dex too, for taking the time to distract me by talking about something as silly as seafood. I want to thank all of you who reached out to me on Facebook. I’m a strong woman but today I am weak, Saturday I will be weaker. Expect a post about Sandy this weekend. She is getting a tribute. It’s for me but I would love for you to read it. I miss the shit out of her.

I’m going to stop writing now, I don’t have the energy to keep on. I thought I had a point but I just rambled. What I ask is that we all take a second and listen to my and my sisters song, a happy song that will get you moving. Get up, jump around, and forget for a moment that the world is chaos. Dance with me. I love you.